Some days just feels like a good day to drown. To drown in your emotions and have the time to have a one on one session with yourself. How have you been lately? Was life hard on you? Why do you keep on missing your meals? Did you empty your sleeping pills?
These days are rare. They don’t come all the time. You’re lucky if they come knocking in a day where deadlines aren’t that many and you’re actually free to feel. It sucks how we normalize feeling emotions but scheduling them. Like these are your days to hustle and these are the only days where you can be humane to yourself. Where you can actually reevaluate what has been going on and how are you keeping up.
Can you still keep up?
Today feels like a good day to feel. To acknowledge you are hurt. To accept defeat. To be okay with getting tired and giving up.
I’d be lying if I tell you I didn’t wish ill on anyone who hurt me. I’d be lying if I say, “Oh, I’ll just let the heavens do its thing, you know?” and move forward with my life. The truth is it will all be just pure sweet lies.
You see, there will be days or instances per se in your life that you will find everything happening extra unfair. You will see it in a way where it hurts more and you ask yourself, “why does it hurts more for me than him or her?” or “Why am I miserable and he is not? Why am I suffering and he was happy?” A lot of times you see, this will happen. Believe me when I say it’s gonna be a recurring event, only lead by different characters now. The only thing that doesn’t change? You end up suffering first.
Because that is just the way it is. In some arguments, break up stories or whatever that equates to people leaving each other and separating, there will always be someone who gets the pain more and suffers from it first. The other might recover faster by all means. But here’s the truth: karma will always find its way.
One day, you’re gonna wake up and will just decide to stop crying. You will get up from bed and start doing things that makes you really happy when the person wasn’t around yet. One day, you will have your thoughts aligned and the direction heads to something fruitful and worthy. One day you’re gonna feel how it feels to be excellent again and the feeling will be familiar. One day, you will pick up your things and place them on where it’s supposed to. One day, you will be ready to tell your story to everyone with the courage that was long lost. And then it wasn’t so painful anymore.
You see, if only I could plot the karma for the people who have destroyed me, I would and make it happen myself. I don’t care with how you say it’s not good to plant ill on others. They planted ill on me first and it grows.
But I can’t. I don’t have the capacity to do so and I chose not to. I chose to stay away and hide. Cry for years and be traumatized. I chose to face the loneliness on my own until I forgot wishing ill on them. Until I forgot wishing they face as much hell as they put me through. I have become so busy with getting over the pain that I forgot I never got my justice yet. And if this was a movie? The bad guys won.
But then again, one day, when you’re all fine and safe in your own pace and space, karma will find them. Not in a way you want or have imagined happening so, not exactly the same as what they did, not in a way you even expected. But one day it’s gonna be their turn. And you? You keep on doing you. You do not necessarily have to win or loose in this whole drastic pain extravaganza. Because even winning on this could be subjective too. The important thing is you have recovered and you got yourself together. After all the broken pieces, it’s possible.
So if you are wondering why are you in very dark place right now and that it just hurts? This too shall pass. You will move forward inch by inch from that whole dark place.
And who knows? Maybe their show is about to start. If you know what I mean.
How have you been? I can’t believe we are still stuck here at the same scary pandemic thing. Last year, we might have thought all these horrible news will become a memory a year later. But here we are, after twelve months or so with little to bare minimum improvement.
I would lie if I tell you I didn’t go out to have fun even when risks are high. Because I did. Even with all the rising cases all over social media, I pretty much did. Initially, I was paranoid. I kept spraying alcohol all over me with the high hopes it would suffice to kill any virus sticking around my ever weak body. Until I experienced being quarantined for 3 weeks because I am a positive case’s close contact. Hell, it was scary. But I’ll probably talk about that in another blog.
To tell you about how I’m doing, I’m actually okay. Not really the happiest nor the loneliest person alive. I’m just neutral if that’s a correct term to use. Which I think I shouldn’t feel all the time. I have to be decisive with my emotions. But right now? That’s how I feel. I feel like the word “almost”. Almost happy, almost sad, almost there, almost hanging. That’s how I’m gonna describe what I feel for quite some time.
Everyday in the morning, I wake up twice. First is my super early wake up time which typically is around 3 am to 6 am and my actual waking up time which is around 8 am. I spend an hour for breakfast and other morning stuff like skincare and checking social media or maybe, just an hour deciding if I would actually get up and get moving or just stay in bed and think about all the sleep I could get.
I start working at 9am. I jot down things I need to accomplish for the day and for the week, and for the month and for the next 2 months. My work revolves on planning. Because if I don’t plan, all departments waiting for my plan suffers. And we don’t want any blame this 2021. I have been blamed so much for many things I didn’t commit so enough of the blaming.
Working from home was fine, initially. Who doesn’t want the comfort of your very own home? Plus it saves a lot of money spent on daily food which are typically composed of late breakfast coz you didn’t get one at home, lunch, coffee or milktea. So that’s around 300 pesos + your transpo fees. As someone coming from the province, I remember paying almost 180 pesos for my fare. That’s a lot of money spent everyday. And again how much am I earning dailly? Do the math. That said, work from home saved me a few bucks. Now I can allot those savings to buying unnecessary things. I’m irresponsible like that. Pun intended.
But over time, working from home feels lonely too. First, boundaries no longer exist between work and home. Second, I miss my workmates. I miss talking about things we all are interested in which are mostly anything that involves spending money. Retail therapy never stops.
In between work, I try to watch youtube videos. As of now, I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy season 17 on Hulu so I don’t have anything to binge watch. So I spend few minutes watching youtube videos. Mostly about Ipad Air 4 Unboxing. That’s me dreaming of things I can’t buy.
By the way, I try to lessen my coffee intake. I’m somehow a little calmer but the difference isn’t too much.
And after my shift, I entertain myself by watching Tiktok, doing journal or listening to podcast.
I honestly feel I have been stagnant for so long. I haven’t been able to get my shit together for years. Life is really hard. Okay I have to stop. It’s becoming depressing.