How I’ve been feeling lately

How I’ve been feeling lately

How have you been? I can’t believe we are still stuck here at the same scary pandemic thing. Last year, we might have thought all these horrible news will become a memory a year later. But here we are, after twelve months or so with little to bare minimum improvement.

I would lie if I tell you I didn’t go out to have fun even when risks are high. Because I did. Even with all the rising cases all over social media, I pretty much did. Initially, I was paranoid. I kept spraying alcohol all over me with the high hopes it would suffice to kill any virus sticking around my ever weak body. Until I experienced being quarantined for 3 weeks because I am a positive case’s close contact. Hell, it was scary. But I’ll probably talk about that in another blog.

To tell you about how I’m doing, I’m actually okay. Not really the happiest nor the loneliest person alive. I’m just neutral if that’s a correct term to use. Which I think I shouldn’t feel all the time. I have to be decisive with my emotions. But right now? That’s how I feel. I feel like the word “almost”. Almost happy, almost sad, almost there, almost hanging. That’s how I’m gonna describe what I feel for quite some time.

Everyday in the morning, I wake up twice. First is my super early wake up time which typically is around 3 am to 6 am and my actual waking up time which is around 8 am. I spend an hour for breakfast and other morning stuff like skincare and checking social media or maybe, just an hour deciding if I would actually get up and get moving or just stay in bed and think about all the sleep I could get.

I start working at 9am. I jot down things I need to accomplish for the day and for the week, and for the month and for the next 2 months. My work revolves on planning. Because if I don’t plan, all departments waiting for my plan suffers. And we don’t want any blame this 2021. I have been blamed so much for many things I didn’t commit so enough of the blaming.

Working from home was fine, initially. Who doesn’t want the comfort of your very own home? Plus it saves a lot of money spent on daily food which are typically composed of late breakfast coz you didn’t get one at home, lunch, coffee or milktea. So that’s around 300 pesos + your transpo fees. As someone coming from the province, I remember paying almost 180 pesos for my fare. That’s a lot of money spent everyday. And again how much am I earning dailly? Do the math. That said, work from home saved me a few bucks. Now I can allot those savings to buying unnecessary things. I’m irresponsible like that. Pun intended.

But over time, working from home feels lonely too. First, boundaries no longer exist between work and home. Second, I miss my workmates. I miss talking about things we all are interested in which are mostly anything that involves spending money. Retail therapy never stops.

In between work, I try to watch youtube videos. As of now, I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy season 17 on Hulu so I don’t have anything to binge watch. So I spend few minutes watching youtube videos. Mostly about Ipad Air 4 Unboxing. That’s me dreaming of things I can’t buy.

By the way, I try to lessen my coffee intake. I’m somehow a little calmer but the difference isn’t too much.

And after my shift, I entertain myself by watching Tiktok, doing journal or listening to podcast.

I honestly feel I have been stagnant for so long. I haven’t been able to get my shit together for years. Life is really hard. Okay I have to stop. It’s becoming depressing.

Anyway, I hope we all make it through day by day.