Some days just feels like a good day to drown. To drown in your emotions and have the time to have a one on one session with yourself. How have you been lately? Was life hard on you? Why do you keep on missing your meals? Did you empty your sleeping pills?
These days are rare. They don’t come all the time. You’re lucky if they come knocking in a day where deadlines aren’t that many and you’re actually free to feel. It sucks how we normalize feeling emotions but scheduling them. Like these are your days to hustle and these are the only days where you can be humane to yourself. Where you can actually reevaluate what has been going on and how are you keeping up.
Can you still keep up?
Today feels like a good day to feel. To acknowledge you are hurt. To accept defeat. To be okay with getting tired and giving up.
I’d be lying if I tell you I didn’t wish ill on anyone who hurt me. I’d be lying if I say, “Oh, I’ll just let the heavens do its thing, you know?” and move forward with my life. The truth is it will all be just pure sweet lies.
You see, there will be days or instances per se in your life that you will find everything happening extra unfair. You will see it in a way where it hurts more and you ask yourself, “why does it hurts more for me than him or her?” or “Why am I miserable and he is not? Why am I suffering and he was happy?” A lot of times you see, this will happen. Believe me when I say it’s gonna be a recurring event, only lead by different characters now. The only thing that doesn’t change? You end up suffering first.
Because that is just the way it is. In some arguments, break up stories or whatever that equates to people leaving each other and separating, there will always be someone who gets the pain more and suffers from it first. The other might recover faster by all means. But here’s the truth: karma will always find its way.
One day, you’re gonna wake up and will just decide to stop crying. You will get up from bed and start doing things that makes you really happy when the person wasn’t around yet. One day, you will have your thoughts aligned and the direction heads to something fruitful and worthy. One day you’re gonna feel how it feels to be excellent again and the feeling will be familiar. One day, you will pick up your things and place them on where it’s supposed to. One day, you will be ready to tell your story to everyone with the courage that was long lost. And then it wasn’t so painful anymore.
You see, if only I could plot the karma for the people who have destroyed me, I would and make it happen myself. I don’t care with how you say it’s not good to plant ill on others. They planted ill on me first and it grows.
But I can’t. I don’t have the capacity to do so and I chose not to. I chose to stay away and hide. Cry for years and be traumatized. I chose to face the loneliness on my own until I forgot wishing ill on them. Until I forgot wishing they face as much hell as they put me through. I have become so busy with getting over the pain that I forgot I never got my justice yet. And if this was a movie? The bad guys won.
But then again, one day, when you’re all fine and safe in your own pace and space, karma will find them. Not in a way you want or have imagined happening so, not exactly the same as what they did, not in a way you even expected. But one day it’s gonna be their turn. And you? You keep on doing you. You do not necessarily have to win or loose in this whole drastic pain extravaganza. Because even winning on this could be subjective too. The important thing is you have recovered and you got yourself together. After all the broken pieces, it’s possible.
So if you are wondering why are you in very dark place right now and that it just hurts? This too shall pass. You will move forward inch by inch from that whole dark place.
And who knows? Maybe their show is about to start. If you know what I mean.
How have you been? I can’t believe we are still stuck here at the same scary pandemic thing. Last year, we might have thought all these horrible news will become a memory a year later. But here we are, after twelve months or so with little to bare minimum improvement.
I would lie if I tell you I didn’t go out to have fun even when risks are high. Because I did. Even with all the rising cases all over social media, I pretty much did. Initially, I was paranoid. I kept spraying alcohol all over me with the high hopes it would suffice to kill any virus sticking around my ever weak body. Until I experienced being quarantined for 3 weeks because I am a positive case’s close contact. Hell, it was scary. But I’ll probably talk about that in another blog.
To tell you about how I’m doing, I’m actually okay. Not really the happiest nor the loneliest person alive. I’m just neutral if that’s a correct term to use. Which I think I shouldn’t feel all the time. I have to be decisive with my emotions. But right now? That’s how I feel. I feel like the word “almost”. Almost happy, almost sad, almost there, almost hanging. That’s how I’m gonna describe what I feel for quite some time.
Everyday in the morning, I wake up twice. First is my super early wake up time which typically is around 3 am to 6 am and my actual waking up time which is around 8 am. I spend an hour for breakfast and other morning stuff like skincare and checking social media or maybe, just an hour deciding if I would actually get up and get moving or just stay in bed and think about all the sleep I could get.
I start working at 9am. I jot down things I need to accomplish for the day and for the week, and for the month and for the next 2 months. My work revolves on planning. Because if I don’t plan, all departments waiting for my plan suffers. And we don’t want any blame this 2021. I have been blamed so much for many things I didn’t commit so enough of the blaming.
Working from home was fine, initially. Who doesn’t want the comfort of your very own home? Plus it saves a lot of money spent on daily food which are typically composed of late breakfast coz you didn’t get one at home, lunch, coffee or milktea. So that’s around 300 pesos + your transpo fees. As someone coming from the province, I remember paying almost 180 pesos for my fare. That’s a lot of money spent everyday. And again how much am I earning dailly? Do the math. That said, work from home saved me a few bucks. Now I can allot those savings to buying unnecessary things. I’m irresponsible like that. Pun intended.
But over time, working from home feels lonely too. First, boundaries no longer exist between work and home. Second, I miss my workmates. I miss talking about things we all are interested in which are mostly anything that involves spending money. Retail therapy never stops.
In between work, I try to watch youtube videos. As of now, I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy season 17 on Hulu so I don’t have anything to binge watch. So I spend few minutes watching youtube videos. Mostly about Ipad Air 4 Unboxing. That’s me dreaming of things I can’t buy.
By the way, I try to lessen my coffee intake. I’m somehow a little calmer but the difference isn’t too much.
And after my shift, I entertain myself by watching Tiktok, doing journal or listening to podcast.
I honestly feel I have been stagnant for so long. I haven’t been able to get my shit together for years. Life is really hard. Okay I have to stop. It’s becoming depressing.
The weird thing about traumas is that, aside from trying so hard to overcome it, it also feels like a recurring event. I myself can speak my truth about how much I try every single day to forget my fears and just be brave like I always do. But you know, I’ve come to a point in my life where I let myself soften up and feel things. Feel fear. Feel anxiety. Feel weak. Feel the need to ask for help. Because during that time, I thought that doing so is human and humane. And I actually let myself feel from time to time. To not put my game face on. To not be this strong and firm and resilient human being. It’s not losing, or maybe it could be. But for me, it’s an act of kindness to myself. I am being kind by letting myself feel vulnerable. Coz I got weak points too.
I deserve to be saved instead of doing all the saving.
Today is sunny Tuesday afternoon. In my whole writing experience, it’s always easier to pour emotions when I am feeling sad, broken, down. Ah, name it! Basically anything that doesn’t equate to feeling okay or fine. It’s important to take advantage of what you feel while it hurts. No matter what time of the day it is or wherever you are, jot the pain down. Because once you get over it, and your heart has recovered, writing about that exact pain you have won’t be the same. I mean, it might still give the same aura or vibe. But the emotions? It’s something you couldn’t cheat on completely. The reader and the writer knows when what they’re reading isn’t written whole heartedly.
So yeah, basically, I’m writing this entry because in a hot Tuesday afternoon, I’ve found myself blank.
It hunts me over and over again. And sometimes, I wish people could feel what I feel so they would understand. Sometimes I wish they also experience what it’s like to cry in silence and make sure no one hears you. Sometimes I wish, they feel that painful cramp-like-pain in your chest and suddenly you are gasping for breath. Sometimes I wish they feel how it feels to be judged, disliked, belittled, doubted by people who don’t even know a quarter of who you are. Sometimes I wish they feel how sad it was when your mom asked you how your day went and you fake a smile and say that it was good. But the truth? What I wanted to say was, “Oh God it was awful. They’re so mean and cruel. They’re so evil and full of hate. I’m sitting there like I did not exist. I’m someone people admire, but with them? I felt dead”.
Part of me also wants to keep people safe and save them from experience what I felt. I wish they would never feel what I had to feel. I wish they won’t encounter people who keep biases on who to be good to. God I wish no one would ever treat anyone the way they treated me. I wish no one had to suffer what I had to suffer. Because honestly? It’s a recurring nightmare.
So yeah, this is very personal. I know.
But if you’re reading or listening this, please always be kind to people. You don’t know a single thing of the nightmare they have to wake up from.
Today is January 1st of 2021 but I am only writing now since I spent half of my last day of 2020 in bed. I wasn’t able to pick up my laptop and produce an energy to go back and reflect what has happened this year.
Like all days and years, 2020 has taught me a lot. But on a more personal note, 2020 was a weak for me. At the same time, I was weak too. Not really at my weakest but I would say that I wasn’t as aggressive, as assertive, as strong, compared to all the previous years that gone by.
With whole honesty, this was the year that I tamed myself down. I used to have this strong aura/ personality initially but I think I lost that too. It wasn’t me anymore. I was weak, afraid to commit mistakes and be judged. I was shy, I was faking my happiness, I was scared to be lonely again.
The ECQ started some time in March and I resigned from my job last April. It was my first job. I landed at a company that I used to admire. I do admire them somehow until now. But I took all my guts and leave. Leaving my first ever job was very personal for me. A lot of tears shed during the act of the actual resignation. I woke up one day and I just broke down. Of course I was afraid how will be able to earn knowing that there is a pandemic happening. But only a few days after I resigned, I already got hired again. I was unemployed for 6 days. Only. And that is a small victory.
This event taught me that there are things that you have to let go if it’s no longer serving you happiness. Growth is important, career matters, but you can’t face your work every single day with a heavy heart inside. Specially with all the personal things going on.
After some time, I finished my contract in my second job and jump onto the third one which is my current work. Career wise, I realize that building your career takes time. It’s not gonna happen overnight or even within a year. You’re not gonna earn so much initially. I think it’s really hard to earn from something that you love. Not everyone is gifted that.
This was also the year when I started my podcast but I wasn’t consistent with it. I’m still struggling with my tone and what do I wanna talk about. So I kinda paused from it but I promised I will continue doing it in 2021.
One of my biggest wins this year was starting dayanginsatin. My website. My safe space. This has been a dream since I was young. And I’m so glad I finally took a shot and made it come true.
There wasn’t so much for me this year. But I’m still grateful. It wasn’t the best. But I survived. Maybe that’s enough for now.
Welcome to Dayang in Satin. I am very delighted to see you here in my own safe e-space. Today is my launch day and I’ve thought that there is no better content than literally introducing myself, as the writer behind this piece. But more than anything else, I really appreciate you for checking out my website. I poured my heart in making this lifelong commitment and decision and I really hope you’ll enjoy your stay every time you visit Dayang. Welcome!
For starters, let me introduce myself. My name is Icon hiding in the name of Dayang (which is now no longer hidden). I am 22 years old and I want to be a lot of things — which is why I made Dayang. She will be my persona.
I started writing when I was still in elementary and discovered it accidentally. During those times, we were bombarded with a lot of essay writings and I didn’t know it was something I really enjoyed doing. All I know was, I liked writing down stuff and it’s something I can finish quickly. I didn’t understand back then why my classmates are having a hard time completing their essays when it was something I can finish in a few minutes. Until the school needed a roster of participants for essay writing competitions and I remembered my young, passionate self joining and trying to audition even if I don’t get picked as the representative. At first, I was into singing (lol, my goodness) until I realized, I know how to sing, but I’m not the best at singing. Remembering those things make me laugh so hard and cringe at myself as well. As in… why? (haha)
From then on, my writing hobby continued. It was something I thought I was good at. It was something I enjoyed doing. It’s like, among all the things I can do, writing is my best bet. I write whenever I can and whenever a spur of emotions visit me. So I took Mass Communication at college because it was the closest course I can get where I can still write and express my best self. True enough, I excel in my subjects that require written outputs.
But like all writers (even not professionally but at heart), we all have our lost moments. Some days, months, or even years, you just can’t write. I mean, you can produce content but it’s not something you’re really proud of or something that was easy for you to finish, or something you found joy with as you write. As for me, it was something I had been battling for quite some time. I stop, I was inconsistent and there’s no drive in me to even hold a pen and stare at a paper and write whatever comes to my mind.
Now that I am older, and growing older as I speak, I decided that I want to write forever. Even if not professionally. Even if I get no money and even if I can’t be called a writer as one. All I know is, I want to keep on writing and I want to materialize all the bursts of emotions I feel. I want to see them existing and re-read them when I’m old and more busy. I want to share it with people who like to read, want to write, looking for ideas or fuel for their emotions. In general, I want to keep on writing for as long as I can. I would never want to stop again or make myself think twice if this is something I’m good at.
Dayang in Satin is my safe space. This is mine. This is where my heart (that is not looking for anything in return) expresses itself the purest way possible. I’d lie if I say I don’t want to be the best or be known for this. Of course, I do! But my main goal as to why I made Dayang in Satin a reality is because I want to express myself through writing which I’ve been doing for so long. And no amount of doubt should stop me from doing so, because myself should be my biggest believer.
So welcome, you. If you’re someone who wants to write as well, I hope you do. I hope you will. I hope you’ll never stop doing you. I hope this introduction made you remember what you really like to do and motivates you to keep on doing it.
Hold on to your dreams and all sorts of things you want to be for yourself. You are an investment as well. Radiate your shine through all of your days.
Yours with great admiration,
for achieving what i originally want to be or… coffee?